The Long Return

September has a way of arriving like a question you'd been avoiding.

The summer is over. The children are back at school. The structure returns — and with it, the particular weight of being the person who holds the structure. The holiday manager and the school-year manager are the same person. The summer is over but the managing continues.

I find that the return to routine asks something specific of me that summer never did. Summer is logistics without a timetable. September is logistics with one — and the timetable belongs to someone else, and its requirements have to be absorbed into the life of the household by whoever is paying attention.

I made a list last week. I always make a list. This year I made it with him, which is slower and slightly less satisfying and also, I think, the point. The list made visible was a list he could own portions of. The list that lives only in my head is a list only I can execute.

We're back. Autumn is asking its usual questions. This year I am trying to answer some of them with a different voice.